About being fat

For three years now I have been fat, due to medications. It is so interesting – the difference in how people see you and interact with you. I get way more compliments for my personality than my looks compared to before. Men meet me much more like a friend than through flirting. I am loosing weight now and the funny thing is – I will miss it.

2017-18 I had two psychosis after having a burn out in 2015. They were the deepest spiritual experiences of my life, so I am happy about it, even though they were tiring experiences (for example, almost no sleep for three months…). I met fairies, traveled the universe and various dimensions. I was under the impression of learning from spiritual teachers from all around the world. So much happened…

I ended up in a hospital, twice, and got such good care, it was amazing. Now I have a diagnosis, schizoaffective disorder. But with a quite low dose of medication I am just fine. Actually I am happier than ever! And I have been so for two years now, for no apparent reason at all.

But during that journey I ate a medication, Seroquel, that causes weight gain for many. I gained about 30-40 kilos, an absolutely enormous change to my body. Being a dancer I felt how I could not move freely anymore, which is what I missed the most. One also gets tired from just moving a little bit, which is very irritating.

However, the most interesting part is how people interact with you. I got the feeling many times that I should be ashamed of myself, not living up to the ideals of beauty that we have in society. When I went shopping, I could sometimes feel the cashier thinking “are you gonna eat all that?”… The looks on the street were sometimes very condemning, but also the lack thereof were a big change. Not having men turning around after and saying things to you was at times sad, but oh so very relaxing as well. I never realized what kind of stress that was. It is sometimes so difficult to know how to react, one wants to be kind but at the same time keep a healthy, personal distance.

When meeting new people in more intimate surroundings or at festivals, I often found myself explaining why I was so fat. This is of course due to my own insecurities, at least partly. Maybe others actually wonder about it, in our society, in Sweden, it is not so common to be overweight. The most interesting thing though was how many compliments I suddenly got about my personality than about my looks. It’s not like I never got them before, but the amount of such comments increased drastically.

In the interactions with men I got a feeling that they are less intimidated by me than before. It is easier to make friends, and other women are more relaxed about me doing so. This has resulted in new friendships, and many a deep conversation. I mean, I did have male friends before, but there was often, if not always, some kind of flirting going on, or a vibe in the air of sexual attraction. The difference to now is truly amazing. None of that remains, just simple connection, like I have with other women. I love it!

So now I have changed my medications, I eat one on which one can loose weight. And I am exercising and eating very healthy so I am loosing weight very fast. I am delighted to do so, I miss the bodily freedom the most. And I do look forward to flirting… However, I will think back on the time of being fat as something beautiful. The interactions with others are somewhat easier, less complicated. The freedom of going on the street without being constantly looked at and talked to is fantastic. Getting more compliments about my personality than ever before is heart warming.

I will truly miss being fat.

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