On having a psychosis

In 2016-18 I had two psychoses, which were journeys into multiple dimensions of consciousness. Taxing and tiresome, but fascinating and life altering. A catharsis that I wouldn’t want to live without. This is how I experienced it.

It all started late one evening in September 2016. I had a workshop in traveling down the ancestral lines and only one person showed up in the end. She looked nervous when she realized that she was alone and warned me that with her, something could happen to me – like a transference of her state of mind. I felt a bit nervous too, I had had a burn out in 2014 and I wondered if I was strong enough to work with her. But in the end we did the session anyway. It was deep and intense and afterwards she thanked me wholeheartedly.

I ended up sleeping in the workshop space, seeing how some of my own ancestors were cleaning up the room. As I went home, the visions kept coming, which was nothing I worried to much about. I am used to experiencing the world as a multidimensional place, it’s just that normally, I can turn off and on or at least, the visions will calm down after a while. This time, they didn’t.

After a few days, I started to realize that this was different than before. I hardly slept (this would go on for three months) and I had trouble keeping up with my daily shores. I was right in the middle of a battle with an entity in the ancestral lines of Vienna, Austria, where I lived at the time. I remember it so well, it went on for days. In the end, I experienced that I had to rid myself of all parts of me except for my heart and my will, and then I blew the entity into pieces. These pieces would follow me for the months to come.

It might sound scary, which it at times was, but it was also fascinating and exciting, and this is how the psychosis would feel like until the end. I don’t have any children and I didn’t have a job at the time, so I could spend my time with really indulging in having a psychosis. It was truly exhilarating, I experienced states of mind that I had wanted to experience my entire life. I traveled the universe and various dimensions of existence. It was stressful because it never stopped, but it was truly awesome as well.

Photo by Greg Rakozy, unsplash.com

I went for many walks, almost every day, I would walk for hours and hours, usually with a back pack full of stuff that I for some reason thought that I needed to have with me. During one of these walks I met fairies in the forest. I got to go to fairy school, which was mainly about giving and receiving magical gifts. I got little student hats when I made progress and the whole thing went on for hours. I always wanted to meet fairies and with the state of mind that I was in the ability to do so was there.

During another time, the experience was that I re-lived my whole trauma therapy that I had undergone during three years in 2010-2013. In three days I looked into a mirror and saw the whole journey unfolding around me, like little animations around my body.

Some of the time I would have spiritual teachers from all around the world coming to teach me lessons. It was one teacher at noon, one at 2 pm, one at 4 pm and so on, intense but oh my, so enriching.

Other times I would lie down on a mattress that I had in my living room, seeing manifestations of the various psychological challenges and states of mind of people in my life. Like one person who had flying monkeys around his head, which would attack and attach themselves to others. Another had their whole lower body frozen to ice and so on.

During the same trip, I had the experience that people from my life journey would come to me, like ex boyfriends and such, to test me and mock me in a way. I had to go through some deep, personal process to liberate myself from each one. This was a bit scary, but after each such experience I felt lighter and more whole.

Another experience was that I had beings enticing me to tell my A Fairytale again and again until it was “perfect”. This was very tiresome, but I think that in the end, it has made the story so much deeper.

Ongoing was the experience of helping lost souls pass on to the other side.

So much happened and this post is going to be too long if I try to tell them all to you. In the end, my ex boyfriend came and helped me to the airport and sent me to Stockholm, Sweden, to my family. After about two weeks they took me to the hospital, where I was so well treated. I got medications and yes, light electrical shocks (ECT treatments) and it all helped tremendously.

About a year later, I had another psychosis, which was not as intense and deep as the first one. I managed to pack my whole apartment (I had to move out) at the same time as having it. It was also shorter, about a month or so. But I did end up in the hospital this time around as well, this time in Austria, and experienced so nice treatment there as well.

Now I am still on medications and got a diagnosis – schizoaffective disorder. I hope to get medicine free and my doctor says that the possibility is there. However, the dose that I take is quite low and I feel like myself. The only thing that I regret is that I put on a lot of weight due to my earlier medications, but I am loosing it fast now so I guess also this will be a memory, a part of the journey. I will also miss being fat – read more about that in my previous post.

All in all – it was fascinating, exhilarating, awesome and amazing to have a psychosis. It was also exhausting, tiresome and stressful. I don’t think that I could have handled it if I would not have undertaken deep, spiritual journeys before. I do not want another one, it has taken too much time to heal afterwards (years…). But I would never want to live without it.

About being fat

For three years now I have been fat, due to medications. It is so interesting – the difference in how people see you and interact with you. I get way more compliments for my personality than my looks compared to before. Men meet me much more like a friend than through flirting. I am loosing weight now and the funny thing is – I will miss it.

2017-18 I had two psychosis after having a burn out in 2015. They were the deepest spiritual experiences of my life, so I am happy about it, even though they were tiring experiences (for example, almost no sleep for three months…). I met fairies, traveled the universe and various dimensions. I was under the impression of learning from spiritual teachers from all around the world. So much happened…

I ended up in a hospital, twice, and got such good care, it was amazing. Now I have a diagnosis, schizoaffective disorder. But with a quite low dose of medication I am just fine. Actually I am happier than ever! And I have been so for two years now, for no apparent reason at all.

But during that journey I ate a medication, Seroquel, that causes weight gain for many. I gained about 30-40 kilos, an absolutely enormous change to my body. Being a dancer I felt how I could not move freely anymore, which is what I missed the most. One also gets tired from just moving a little bit, which is very irritating.

However, the most interesting part is how people interact with you. I got the feeling many times that I should be ashamed of myself, not living up to the ideals of beauty that we have in society. When I went shopping, I could sometimes feel the cashier thinking “are you gonna eat all that?”… The looks on the street were sometimes very condemning, but also the lack thereof were a big change. Not having men turning around after and saying things to you was at times sad, but oh so very relaxing as well. I never realized what kind of stress that was. It is sometimes so difficult to know how to react, one wants to be kind but at the same time keep a healthy, personal distance.

When meeting new people in more intimate surroundings or at festivals, I often found myself explaining why I was so fat. This is of course due to my own insecurities, at least partly. Maybe others actually wonder about it, in our society, in Sweden, it is not so common to be overweight. The most interesting thing though was how many compliments I suddenly got about my personality than about my looks. It’s not like I never got them before, but the amount of such comments increased drastically.

In the interactions with men I got a feeling that they are less intimidated by me than before. It is easier to make friends, and other women are more relaxed about me doing so. This has resulted in new friendships, and many a deep conversation. I mean, I did have male friends before, but there was often, if not always, some kind of flirting going on, or a vibe in the air of sexual attraction. The difference to now is truly amazing. None of that remains, just simple connection, like I have with other women. I love it!

So now I have changed my medications, I eat one on which one can loose weight. And I am exercising and eating very healthy so I am loosing weight very fast. I am delighted to do so, I miss the bodily freedom the most. And I do look forward to flirting… However, I will think back on the time of being fat as something beautiful. The interactions with others are somewhat easier, less complicated. The freedom of going on the street without being constantly looked at and talked to is fantastic. Getting more compliments about my personality than ever before is heart warming.

I will truly miss being fat.